That Monster Called ‘Guilt’

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People who say that the urge to confess is police’s best friend, really know what they’re talking about.

As long I have lived, there is no such worse feeling than knowing for fact that at some points in my life I have caused someone else’s pain, some one I really care about, whom hold me responsible for that groan and cross they’re bearing.

What’s worse, is that for so often, apology ain’t do any good, mostly cos you feel so damn guilty for the mistakes you can’t reverse, that nothing you can possibly do to actually redeem what’s been lost.

If there is one of many qualities I find beautiful in the way westerns culture teach their people on approaching their life, is how they seem to recognize those so many feelings packed in a human’s heart ever since they can spell their first letters.

People there are encouraged to tell what they feel and learn hard to express it, and when they can’t, they pay someone professional to help them with that. (partly why psychologists are not bit as scary as they are seen back in my place).

In contrary, if you happen to visit Indonesia and watch its TV or movie, you will hardly see any scene there where a character is being sympathized for having done a mistake. There is no expression ” don’t beat yourself up” in local language, that may actually console the guilty ones. No one seems to care. No such thing as honest mistake. You are the felony, that’s all who you really are.

No. I am not talking about letting a mistake go without punish.

There is a reason why our society invented a set of rules and systems to provide justice among us.  I am neither defending that person who’s hurt you.

I am a friend standing by your side, trying to remind you that there’s a chance you may now be punishing a person far beyond what they deserve, without you even realizing it.

That he is shrinking himself in one dark corner trying to hold his soul together, which starts to feel more and more impossible to do, because he can not find any other way to apologize to you, and you just can’t seem to look him in the eyes to say you forgive.

Just like that, for these people, their life simply can’t find a way to move on.  What punishment hurt more?

So forgive, or punish. Either way, be clear and let them know. If you have let go, tell yourself and tell them straight. People can not spend the rest of their life apologizing. It is cruel, and doesn’t bring anyone any good, since nothing can bring you back what you have lost.

I do know what I am talking about.

There were times I think forgiving is not fair for me. I needed my own time to forgive those people who left these scars in life I am still trying to heal for years now.

But eventually I reached a point where I know for sure, that life will be much easier to be lived, if I don’t spend too much time looking back. From my heart to yours, I really hope you will one day realize this too.

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Mama of three wonderful little souls who’re probably ransacking her house right about now.

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